It’s time for a List Friday so epic that I had to split it into two parts!

After much thought, remembrance, and internal debate, I somehow managed not only to narrow down my all-time favorite childhood toys, but to also RANK them. It wasn’t easy. Tears were shed. Blood was spilled. Much Googling was perpetrated. Here are the results.

Top 20 Favorite Toys From Childhood (Part One)

Knight 2000 Voice Car




Okay, this list starts (and ends) slightly weird, because I never actually owned the Knight 2000 Voice Car. But, MAN, did I WANT to. For a long time. Including and up to now. It had everything. Sweet car, sound effects, nitro action, Michael Knight figure that could fit inside, talking K.I.T.T.! Just typing this is getting me all… excited… I would call it my Holy Grail of childhood toys. WHY DO I STILL NOT OWN THIS?!?


Evil Horde Slime Pit




The slime pit. THE Slime Pit. The most simultaneously simple, cool and evil playset ever conceived. This thing put slime on the map. NOTHING was bigger than slime after its debut. Slime soon leaked its way into many other toylines. (Pun intended.) I was never sure whether the slime was supposed to be melting dudes’ faces off, drowning them, or just giving them Eternian AIDS, but NOTHING, to this day, tops dumping a bucket of slime into a dragon’s skull and then bringing that claw up.


Suckerman




The Elusive Suckerman. I’ve been trying to find more info about this guy for most of my life, and in 2009 the internets are finally up to speed on Suckerman. Not that it made it any easier to find pictures, but I now know that the “mystery rubber devil guy with suction cups” that we used to dent the fridge with daily was a super-brief one-off release by Mattel in the late 70’s, and came in a variety of colors (ours was black.) Another childhood mystery solved!


Hordak




Hordak is the only villain to rival Skeletor in all-out evilness. He was EXTRA cool because he was the leader of a new team of villains to rival both Skeletor AND He-Man. He was the CEO of The Evil Horde and commanded an evil robot army. He lived at the Fright Zone. He made She-Ra cry. He owned the Slime Pit. He looked like Satan. His chest could shoot buzzsaws. Un-toppable.


Castle & Space LEGOs




CLASSIC. Some of my earliest memories are playing in the backyard with space LEGOs. Then, much later, getting into castle LEGOs and playing with them at my cousin Clint’s or friend David Strunsky’s house for hours upon hours. You could be brutal with LEGOs. Spearing them down the middle, chopping off heads, leveling entire towns. Pictured above are the two most epic sets I had, the “Camouflaged Outpost” and “Alien Moon Stalker”.


M.A.S.K. Raven with Calhoun Burns




I’m not sure if the actual TOY, or the name “CALHOUN BURNS” is cooler, but it doesn’t matter. It’s a lethal combo either way you look at it. The Raven was a bad-ass black car. Which ALSO turned into a jet. Which could ALSO be a boat. Which was ALSO driven by CALHOUN BURNS. So much radness. I also loved that it was obscure enough that every kid I knew didn’t already have it, and the “black sportscar”-ness of it helped me get over not owning the Knight 2000 Voice Car.


Little People Garage




If any one item represents the whole of my childhood between the age of zero and seven, this is it. The Little People Garage, which lived at Grandmom’s house, where I spent much of my time while my parents were working. I’m not sure whose toy this actually was, but it had clearly been around the block before I got to it. Thing could have been a childhood toy of my mom’s, for all I know. It was durable as all heck, though. In later years its elevator would be used to crush many a G.I. Joe guy. This thing was built from 100% magical happiness.


Mad Scientist Monster Lab




The Mad Scientist Monster Lab, the only children’s toy in which you carefully build your own creature, add eyes and other features to your beloved offspring, then proceed to DROP HIM INTO AN ACID VAT AND GIGGLE IN DELIGHT AS HIS FLESH MELTS AWAY INTO A GOOPY TORNADO OF FLESH AND BONE SOUP. Equally great was the free poster (pictured at the bottom) that came with it, which I still have, and consider framing and hanging on a bi-monthly basis…


Yamaha DD-6




I don’t remember exactly why I wanted the Yamaha DD-6 so gosh darn bad, but most likely I felt it was something I would truly need in order to become a Bon Jovi-caliber music superstar, so it was the only thing I asked for for Christmas that year. The DD-6’s only claim to fame is that it can be found on some super-early-embarassing-band-experimentation-goofy-recordings that Duane and I made long before doing anything serious. In a way, you could almost consider it the original Tendril drumset.


Evel Kneivel Stunt Cycle




Back in the 80’s, on rare occasions when my parents had last-minute things to do or a banquet or somesuch, and my Grandmom couldn’t babysit, I would spend an evening across the street at Mark Smith’s house. These were magical evenings filled with W.A.S.P., Intellivision, Moonlighting and the Evel Knievel Stunt Cycle. Watching this guy zoom across orange shag carpeting, launch off an epic ramp of stacked Def Leppard albums, and burst into pieces upon landing was joy incarnate.